“We teach our girls to be perfect and we teach our boys to be brave.”
-Reshma Saujani
When I was a little girl, my mom used to ask me, “Are you having a pity party?” when I was showing lots of feelings about something that went wrong in my world.
Our parents are the first reflection we see our feelings through. How we respond to our feelings and the decisions we make in response to them starts to develop when we are very young. Sometimes lots of therapy is required to unlearn these entrenched habits if your upbringing was an unhealthy onramp.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot as I bask in the glorious Florida sunshine and yet have been super cognizant of my “poor poor pitiful me” attitude in the face of hardship. (I caught Covid and it prevented me from going to the investment conference in Miami I was looking forward to this week.) Refrain: Poor Poor Pitiful Me. My mom also used to sing this refrain when I was little. She was/is a big Linda Ronstadt fan. The late, great Warren Zevon wrote the song, however!
I laugh at myself and my stupid human nature to be so caught up in disappointment when I have so much to be grateful for.
The day I tested positive for Covid my heart sank and pervasive worries began. Yes, I had already successfully made it to Florida (Minnesota weather be damned) but I felt terrible that I unknowingly brought Covid into my parents’ home when my dad is already so sick with cancer. My disappointment was so strong I stayed up late into the night worrying. Literally SICK WITH WORRY. Sick. Worried. Sick with worry.
I started to wonder - AM I A WORRIER? I never thought of myself as a worrier. Now all I seem to do is worry.
I always had such confidence to face anything without fear. Now what has become of me? Lately, I’ve been crumbling in worries. It was a year ago I did my divorce mediation from here on Marco Island. My mom and dad were there for me after I finished the Zoom mediation handling the financials in one heavy meeting. I went to a beach yoga class a couple hours after the meeting and it was an emotional experience. I remember feeling such relief and support from the natural world around me.
Going through the tragedy of divorce and facing the world as a broken person who is healing has been a journey for me.
Often I think to myself, don’t let them see you sweat. I hold myself in strength and confidence. I am a bold risk-taker. As a financial planner and investment advisor, my job is to listen and support others through transition. I love it. I am strong for others. I am their guide and coach.
We all face “problems” in life. Struggle is the key to growth. As Adam Robinson said: “Every struggle is an invitation to change what you’re doing. That’s it. You keep changing and changing and changing again. Everything is a struggle and the key thing is to learn from them and grow from them and when I say learn, I mean change.”
I still don’t feel comfortable putting all my worries out there for the public to see. I have my pride. However, I’m writing this post to let you know that even the strongest people you see are struggling. You are not alone. The key is to ask for the help you need.
If we can be there for others, that is the key.
I want to be a warrior, not a worrier. In terms of metaphors, I see myself steering the ship through rocky waters and holding it together when it feels like everything is crumbling. At this point, my worries have come to a head. My dad is now hospitalized with Covid and I’m facing the reality of my fears. I also am watching the ETF conference go on without me as all the people I wished to see and collaborate with go on without me.
The warrior poses in yoga are all about strength, focus, confidence and courage. One of my favorites is the Humble Warrior pose as shown below from Eckhart Yoga’s YouTube channel. This pose is difficult because while grounding down with your legs, you are pulling your body up from behind while also bowing down humbly. The feeling is like none other. You are stretching up and down while also letting gravity help you to bow your head down. The act of bowing always creates a sense of humility.
To have humility while embodying courage and strength is the ultimate expression of warrior.
Struggles are inevitable. We choose how to handle them.
Surround yourself with people that help you manage your worries and channel your inner warrior. You can be vulnerable and be of warrior strength all at the same time.
You can be blessed with privilege and misfortune all at once. One doesn’t cancel the other. Opposing realities can be true at precisely the same time. Your blessings don’t diminish your pain. You are allowed to feel sad and disappointed while cognizant of beauty and goodness all at once. Life is complex and therein lies the beauty.
Women often think that if we stumble we are flawed and we don’t want anyone to know so we hide our flaws and imperfections. Remember, though, bravery is taking calculated risk and with risk comes reward. You win some and you lose some. Be brave, not perfect!
I’m grateful for my parents teaching me to be brave.
I encourage you to combat the world’s bravery deficit and take the warrior’s path, not the worrier’s path. Namaste, my friends.